¶ Eberron Inc.
Innovators of Indifference. Merchants of Mayhem. Tycoons of Magical Mishaps.
Slogan: "Why use magic when you can lease it from us?"
Unofficial Slogan: "If it glows, we own it — and charge rent."
Motive: Eberron Inc. seeks a total monopoly on all magic and technology — not because they need it, but because the quarterly reports demand it.
Unofficial Mascot: A smiling warforged in a necktie, waving with one hand and holding a Terms of Service document with 900 pages in the other.
¶ Overview
Eberron Inc. is the largest arcano-industrial corporation ever legally registered by a ruling council. Born from the hyper-productive heart of House Cannith on the planet Eberron, the company quickly outgrew the bounds of "civilisation" and moved into the vast frontier of galactic nuisance.
Having already mechanised nearly every function of daily life back home — birth, death, bathing, musical theatre — Eberron Inc. is now determined to do the same across the stars. They believe magic and technology are the same thing, and more importantly, they invented both. When asked how, they usually gesture vaguely at a diagram labelled "Progress Spiral" and change the subject.
They do not conquer worlds in the traditional sense. Instead, they create infrastructure so efficient that you can't live without it… then charge you for upgrades. Then charge you again for the patch that made the upgrade worse. Then sue you when you try to fix it.
Their ships are powered by lobotomised elementals who have been "magically simplified" into what legal documents call "motivational plasma". Their marketing department has been voted "Most Enthusiastic Use of Holograms" for nine years running.
¶ Employee Loyalty Policy
Eberron Inc. prides itself on employee retention. Mostly because quitting before the age of 70 is a criminal offence under Eberron law.
Defectors — branded "Arcano-Traitors" — are punished by being locked in a corporate sensory experience chamber, where they must endure the Eberron Company Jingle ("Eberron! We Do the Thinkin' So You Don't!") for 30 consecutive days, in a brightly coloured, aggressively branded room, without sleep, tea, or even a safe word.
¶ The Barking GNU
Naturally, this policy has backfired. A number of disillusioned engineers, inventors, and spreadsheet-smudgers escaped the company's grip — usually via sewer, starlight, or clever misuse of the "Employee Feedback Portal". These fugitives eventually banded together to form the Barking GNU — a defiant coalition of technologists who distribute tools freely, liberate communities from oppressive automation, and occasionally turn Eberron tech into giant soup dispensers or musical fruit.
Where Eberron Inc. builds to control, the GNU builds to empower… or at least confuse enough that you don't need permission anymore.
The Barking GNU is considered a Class A Threat in Eberron Inc.'s corporate database, listed alongside "unlicensed innovation" and "whistleblowers with charisma".
¶ Corporate Representative
Barrister-Protocol-Primus, formally known as Designated Legal Unit 42-B, is a brass-plated modron attorney and Eberron Inc.'s tireless corporate enforcer in Calad Bar — a walking clause library with no sense of humour and a burning desire to litigate moonlight.
Clad in bylaws and powered by paperwork, he spends his days citing obscure regulations, filing cease-and-desist scrolls against spellcasters, vegetables, and occasionally clouds, all while sternly insisting that fun is an unlicensed activity. Immune to bribes, jokes, and the concept of "chill", he exists to ensure Eberron's monopolies remain unchallenged — though his attempts are often undone by prankster anarchists, magical cats, and mysteriously missing forms.
Despite it all, Barrister-Protocol-Primus continues his grim crusade — clipboard in hand, eye glowing with disapproval, and slogan ever ready:
"If it glows, we own it."
